mouthsounds:

glitterigabi:

unpretty:

i always thought of a king sized bed as being a bit bigger than a queen, but now that i have one, i can tell you that a king sized bed is an absurdity. i can sprawl out, and my husband can sprawl out, and the cat can sprawl out, and none of us are touching. i reach out in the night, and find only pillows and plush walruses. i reach further and eventually find his elbow. he rolls over the comforters to try and find me. “i have crossed oceans of bed to be with you,” he says. there is a vast expanse of bed untouched, unmapped, unexplored. the cat is still trying to sleep on my face.

This is the opposite of a creepypasta

cozypasta

(via confirmance)

simons-quest:

(via slavery)

ghettoinuyasha:

my mom: it’s really not good to eat past sunset
me, whose circadian rhythms have aligned with a nearby raccoon’s: your rules don’t apply here

(via confirmance)

dingdongyouarewrong:

one time i was in a pub in london and saw lemonade on the menu and i was like mmmm lemonade!!! but i’ve been to australia and been tricked before so i was like hey is this actual lemonade lemonade or is it just sprite and she was like it’s actual lemonade so i ordered some and she brought it back and it was sprite. i hate england

(via hospitalvesper)

nintendoesnt:

nekogiru:

not to be epic but i am  going to kill you with a  rock

cain said this to abel

(via hospitalvesper)

teapotsubtext:

me as a journalist: HOLY SHIT Things Are Fuck

(Source: emilyteapot, via skippercifer)

boldly-yo:

the-starship-enterprise:

the-starship-enterprise:

the-starship-enterprise:

It always haunts me in ‘Who mourns for Adonais?’ how Apollo has no visible nipples

where

where are they

This is the future tumblr wants

(via skippercifer)

digitalslug:

(via chessys)

largecoin:

some of you wont shut up including me

(Source: larchcoin, via confirmance)

chapotraphouse:

haters will see you orbit and say “he can’t reach escape velocity”

(via slab-o-meat)